finding your truth

i couldn't sleep tonight.
here i am at 3:40am
the double tomorrow seems so far away

i think at moments like this, in the quiet of the night, we face a new light of honesty. I see all of my flaws so clearly. I feel nauseated by all of the moments of the past. In each season of life, I feel as though i have been a pain, a burden, and a object of disturbance. i ponder future encounters with people i used to know. i wonder how many people i have hurt in the past. i rack my brain, thinking of what i need to become, how i need to transform to become something more, something better.

i felt like i was gasping for air tonight,
my mind begging for comfort and relief
so with lit candles and hot tea,
ray lamontagne and i cleaned my room.
all of the clutter in my mind causes me to clear the clutter everywhere else.

there are a handful of people that I admire so much that i think of them almost every single day. do you have people like that in your life? you feel their character in the attempt to guide yourself through the day.

i wonder if i'm that person to someone else. probably not, but eh, who knows.

as clear as i can see myself, every scar, ding and hole in my own character, i wonder where the real truth lies. i can be honest with myself but to what extent is this truth or lies? i will never know how people think of me, but it's this moment when i wish that was the only thing i knew, because the person i see needs so much work. I walk away from most social situations these days wondering how i could have acted better, or listened better. maybe i will spend some time being quiet. i want to be refined. somewhere deep down there is hope that tomorrow i can be better.

the way to freedom

life is about progression. it's about never stopping, and persevering all the time.

& the times you stop should blow you away, because if it doesn't, then it's not worth it.

even when you are downtrodden and feel the persecution nipping at your heels - you just have to keep going, progressing. keep going. don't sit and let the wolves tear you apart. you must keep going.

& serve.

when you feel like everything is being taken away
& you don't know who is for you anymore
you serve. because it's not about you, and that's what makes it so beautiful....

because life is so much more than you.

let it sink deep,
let the pain be one that is real to the bone, but never stops the bones
up truth will come to surround you
& drown in the peace


it's so much more than you

overcompensation of the counteraction to vulnerability

as a precursor i would like to say that i may be a wee bit bitter or pessimistic in this entry & these are all the lyrics running through my head right now....

"half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring, and half of my heart is part of the man who's never truly loved anything"

"so take a chance & make it big 'cause it's the last you'll ever get...hold your head high heavy heart."

"We all want to be, want to be somebody. Right now, we're just looking for the exit"

"if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it"

"nothing but dust and the shadows - gone by morning light"

"don't wanna be stitched up, out of my mind - strung out, lagging' behind or trapped in because i'm locked down."


i had a conversation with someone today about how they're not happy in their marriage, and has thought multiple times of leaving their spouse - that both of them have thought that. the whole time i was thinking about how both of them just needed jesus. i have discovered a lucky few who truly love their spouse and have a successful marriage and are happy being married. when you're in marriage, you should want to be with your spouse, you shouldn't want to go live in another country for months without them, or fall in love with someone else.

relationships scare the hell out of me. they make me feel trapped, and i never feel able to commit. most would say "well that's because you haven't met the one yet" but i don't think i'll ever feel comfortable with it.

i never questioned the concept of marriage until the met the cowarts in my senior year. when me and sydney would come home - they would be cuddling on the couch - they would be cooking together, just loving each other's presence. i'd never seen anything like it.

they
enjoyed
each
other

what?!

it was a combination of that and the realization that my parents and everyone else around me compromised themselves - married for something like financial stability or as a ticket out of town - said love didn't matter, that they could learn to love each other ENOUGH to somehow end up with kids. like the unhappy family with three kids obviously only did it three times - and probably because they thought kids would some how be an answer to their happiness.

oh sure i can do it for a while - be in a relationship - be the perfect girl. but like oil leaking out of a sunken ship, it always comes to the surface....& that's when it's time to run. and the fact of the matter is that i probably should have run long ago - because i gave way more than i ever got - it just took a realization of my innocent vulnerability towards someone who may or may not have given a shit.

you don't deserve my heart.
you don't
because all day you will deflect
all day you will dodge
& sprinkle our conversation with doting and flattery because you think it's what you should do
some of you understand that it's a treasure and some of you don't
some of you wish you could save away this treasure & tend to it
but you handle your bank account better than you do me
i've heard it all
"i don't deserve you"
"you're too good to me"
"i wanted to protect you"
"i wish i could love you better"
"you'll find someone great"

i'm dusting off my feet.


oh jesus, i'm ready to come home.

perfectly lonely

I don’t believe in compromising my heart.

I don’t have a lot of faith or hope in marriage & if I ever were to even consider it – I would have to be absolutely confident that we loved and adored one another. Compromise is not an option. Compromise does not equal happiness. Compromise falls short of God’s love for us.


Free
No one but me
Perfectly lonely
Dancing alone
Cooking for no one
Singing
Driving aimlessly
No one to see
Perfectly lonely

Thank you to mayer for understanding.

We breathe in. breathe out. Life is what you make it. French bread grilled on both sides with butter. Bruchetta on top. Dmb, mayer, or ray in the background. Raking the leaves. Boots on. Sweeping off the porches. Pipe smoke in the air. Folding the laundry. Sanding the chest. Going through gear after a long trip. The smell of fire in my hair. Getting an elvis while climbing – scared shitless. Car loaded up. No worries about money. Not having to run from anything. It feels good. Can’t I live like that forever?

& it’s true. I’m tough because I need to be. But I also can’t say that I don’t love it. I want to stay like this forever. But as of right now my flesh is getting the best of me. Dreaming of what may be, of who may be
&
it’s
absolutely
toxic

oh where to run from the desires of this skin

pick me up love

All hurt comes from sin, and everyday, we are hurt constantly by the people that weave in and out of our lives. I rarely remember that its sin and not the sinner hurting me. but of course thats the hardest part because in order to see past the sin that overtakes a persons life we have to see them through the lens of god himself. maybe thats what saddens me the most.... the fact that i want people to see me as my father sees me, to love me like he loves me, and to appreciate me the way he does. but here i am, with my blinders on, filming the world like i'm the director or something.....

escape

windows down. heat on high. no cruise control. no restrictions. a sense of direction & a sense of adventure. all the time in the world to think. no attachments, no obligations, going where no one knows me at all. it's fresh. just me and the dirty hippie. we'll make it all right.

but tomorrow...the alarm clock will go off, and i will go to class, turn in assignments and attend meetings.

meet me somewhere tonight & lets boycott tomorrow, or at least think we have.

i'll take one orphan please

i don't have much patience with kids; there's this gap between toddlers and high schoolers that i can't stand for very long. I know - it's a pretty big gap. Maybe it's just because they're not my kids... i loved babysitting infants, because no matter if they were happy, or sick i just loved tending to them. i miss praying over them, and singing to them. once, there was this little boy, only 10 months, whom i sang to and rocked for 3 hours before he finally fell asleep. he was so sick, and felt awful. he was beside himself, not understanding the root of his pain or why such a thing even existed. I miss holding them as they sleep, giving them a sense of security for at least a moment. If i could have a professional job comforting children, i would do it. don't get me wrong, i like playing with kids, making up fun games & crafts, but what i really yearn for at the end of the day is to hold, rock, and comfort those that don't have anyone in their life to do that. i want to be the one that makes them feel safe, not alone, and as if they can just be. not struggling to survive on their own as a toddler. i want to provide peace, comfort, and rest. what i like most about infants is that from the beginning they don't want anything they don't need. it's perfect simplicity. it's only as they get older that they begin wanting and desiring things they can't have or beginning to act out in their flesh. their innocence is what draws me in the most, and it makes one capable of enduring hours of a sick child. i wish i could comfort and take care of one today. going to bed knowing there are so many children, desiring to be loved and taken care of out there makes my heart throb. i want to be with them, in their situation, to improve it. i want to be their safe-house, their stronghold tonight....