overcompensation of the counteraction to vulnerability

as a precursor i would like to say that i may be a wee bit bitter or pessimistic in this entry & these are all the lyrics running through my head right now....

"half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring, and half of my heart is part of the man who's never truly loved anything"

"so take a chance & make it big 'cause it's the last you'll ever get...hold your head high heavy heart."

"We all want to be, want to be somebody. Right now, we're just looking for the exit"

"if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it"

"nothing but dust and the shadows - gone by morning light"

"don't wanna be stitched up, out of my mind - strung out, lagging' behind or trapped in because i'm locked down."


i had a conversation with someone today about how they're not happy in their marriage, and has thought multiple times of leaving their spouse - that both of them have thought that. the whole time i was thinking about how both of them just needed jesus. i have discovered a lucky few who truly love their spouse and have a successful marriage and are happy being married. when you're in marriage, you should want to be with your spouse, you shouldn't want to go live in another country for months without them, or fall in love with someone else.

relationships scare the hell out of me. they make me feel trapped, and i never feel able to commit. most would say "well that's because you haven't met the one yet" but i don't think i'll ever feel comfortable with it.

i never questioned the concept of marriage until the met the cowarts in my senior year. when me and sydney would come home - they would be cuddling on the couch - they would be cooking together, just loving each other's presence. i'd never seen anything like it.

they
enjoyed
each
other

what?!

it was a combination of that and the realization that my parents and everyone else around me compromised themselves - married for something like financial stability or as a ticket out of town - said love didn't matter, that they could learn to love each other ENOUGH to somehow end up with kids. like the unhappy family with three kids obviously only did it three times - and probably because they thought kids would some how be an answer to their happiness.

oh sure i can do it for a while - be in a relationship - be the perfect girl. but like oil leaking out of a sunken ship, it always comes to the surface....& that's when it's time to run. and the fact of the matter is that i probably should have run long ago - because i gave way more than i ever got - it just took a realization of my innocent vulnerability towards someone who may or may not have given a shit.

you don't deserve my heart.
you don't
because all day you will deflect
all day you will dodge
& sprinkle our conversation with doting and flattery because you think it's what you should do
some of you understand that it's a treasure and some of you don't
some of you wish you could save away this treasure & tend to it
but you handle your bank account better than you do me
i've heard it all
"i don't deserve you"
"you're too good to me"
"i wanted to protect you"
"i wish i could love you better"
"you'll find someone great"

i'm dusting off my feet.


oh jesus, i'm ready to come home.