i couldn't sleep tonight.
here i am at 3:40am
the double tomorrow seems so far away
i think at moments like this, in the quiet of the night, we face a new light of honesty. I see all of my flaws so clearly. I feel nauseated by all of the moments of the past. In each season of life, I feel as though i have been a pain, a burden, and a object of disturbance. i ponder future encounters with people i used to know. i wonder how many people i have hurt in the past. i rack my brain, thinking of what i need to become, how i need to transform to become something more, something better.
i felt like i was gasping for air tonight,
my mind begging for comfort and relief
so with lit candles and hot tea,
ray lamontagne and i cleaned my room.
all of the clutter in my mind causes me to clear the clutter everywhere else.
there are a handful of people that I admire so much that i think of them almost every single day. do you have people like that in your life? you feel their character in the attempt to guide yourself through the day.
i wonder if i'm that person to someone else. probably not, but eh, who knows.
as clear as i can see myself, every scar, ding and hole in my own character, i wonder where the real truth lies. i can be honest with myself but to what extent is this truth or lies? i will never know how people think of me, but it's this moment when i wish that was the only thing i knew, because the person i see needs so much work. I walk away from most social situations these days wondering how i could have acted better, or listened better. maybe i will spend some time being quiet. i want to be refined. somewhere deep down there is hope that tomorrow i can be better.
